CLEAN JOKES

This racist joke plays off a stereotype of the Irish as always singing about going home. Not all Irish are loud drunk singers, but it sure is easy to notice those that are.

What's 100 feet long and has just 6 teeth?
The front row of a Willie Nelson concert.

What's the difference between mash potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes!

A cowboy rides into town wearing a paper hat, paper pants, and paper boots, and he's
immediately arrested ......for rustling.

There was an Indian chief lived who lived to be 100 years old, by drinking 100 cups of tea every day.  On his 100th birthday he died.  He drown in his own tee-pee.

So a pork chop walks into a bar... orders a beer... The bartender, “Sorry, but you’re
food... and we don’t serve food here”

What’s green, slimey and hangs from trees?
Giraffe snot.

I was walking past a spiritual commune in California, and inside I heard them chanting,
“36......36.......36.......36.......”       So I went up and looked through the peep hole in the
door, and a finger came out and poked me in the eye, and they all started chanting, “37
........37 .......37”

A duck walks into a pharmacy and says, “Gimme some of that Chap stick.”
The guy says, “Well I would, but how are you going to pay for it? Cash or charge?
The duck says, “No, no... Just put it on my bill!”

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide

Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?
Great food, but no atmosphere.

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because he was dead.

One cow to another, “You scared about that mad cow disease?”
“Not me! I’m a chicken!”

What’s big, green,  has 4 legs, and if it fell out of a tree onto you would kill you?
A pool table

Did you hear about the lady that sat down on the meat grinder?
Disaster.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.

Two atoms walking down the street, one says to the other, “I think I lost an electron!”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes I’m positive!”

A neutron walks into a bar and says, “Gimme a beer!”
Bartender says, “Certainly... Here you are!”
“How much is that?”
“For you... No charge!”

Two guys driving along , when a rabbit hops out on the road. The driver tries to avoid the
rabbit, but can’t. They get out, and the passenger screams,  “You hit it! Oh my! Do
something! Do Something!”     The driver calmly goes to the trunk, takes out a small
bottle, and pours some onto the rabbit.  It’s head immediately pops up.  He pours a little
more. The rabbit jumps up, hops down the road a bit, turns around and waves at them,
hops a little further, turns and waves again... hops... waves... till he’s out of sight.  The
passenger says’ “That was amazing! What is that stuff?”    The driver reads from the
bottle, “It says ‘Permanent wave for damaged hair’!”

This doctor, each day after work goes into the same bar owned by his friend, Dick.
Everyday he gets an almond daiquiri.  On this one day however, Dick was out of almonds,
so made him his usual drink, but using hickory nuts instead.  The doctor took one sip and
asks, “Is this a almond daiquiri Dick?”
He replies, “No... It’s a hickory daiquiri Doc!”

A guy to the butcher,  “Give me a pound of those kiddleys”
“D’you mean the Kidneys?”
“That’s what I said, diddle I?”

“Doctor, woof,   you’ve got to help me, woof, I think I’m a dog!”
“How long has this been going on?”
“Ever since I was a little puppy”

A magician, for his final trick, gets the strongest man from the crowd on to the stage, and asks the guy to hit him in the side of the head with a sledge hammer... the guy is reluctant, but does it, and blood, and brains go all over.  The magician is in a coma for six months when the nurse notices his finger moving...  he’s coming to!  The doctors all gather around him, he’s trying to say something...   he struggles and finally says, “Ta-da!”

“Doctor... Woof... I still think I’m a dog!”
“Probably all in your head, with no basis in physical reality, but until we’re sure... Off the couch!”

A ventriloquist is doing a show, and doing lots of Irish jokes,  when a huge Irishman
stands up and says “I don’t like what y’ been sayin’ about me race... We’re not all slow
and stupid, like you say!”
The vent says  “Hey, calm down! They’re just jokes!”
He says “You shut up, I’m talking t’ the little idiot on your knee!”

Two young brothers decide one morning they are going to come downstairs & swear.  They agree that Tommy will say 'hell' and Bobby will say 'ass'.  They arrive downstairs and Mom asks what they'd like for breakfast.  Tommy says "Aw, hell, just give me some Cheerios"  Mom spanks him and sends him to his room for an hour.  She turns to Bobby and says "What would you like for breakfast?"  He replies "I don't know, but you can bet your ass it's not Cheerios!"

Old guy sitting on the curb crying, so I ask him what’s wrong. He says, “I’m 84, I just married a  gorgeous 23 year old model, who cooks , takes great care of me, and we make love all the time!” 
I say,     “So why are you crying!”
He says, “I can’t remember where I live!”