RISQUE JOKES

Why do elephants have four feet?
Cause if you’re an elephant, 6 inches isn’t enough

Two lesbians arguing:  "You th' man!"  "No, you th' man!"  "No...You th' man!"

A boy goes in to buy condoms for the first time. The man behind the counter says, “That’ll be 2.98 plus tax”  The boy says “Tax!?!  Don’t these things stay on by themselves????

A five year old, talking to a three year old, “I found a condom out on the verandah.”
The three year old asks, “What’s a verandah?”

A very fat man to his doctor, “Doc, it’s my penis... I haven’t been able to see it for years... Please check and make sure everything’s okay!”
The doctor says,  “My God! You should diet!”
The man asks,  “What color?”

A penguin is driving into town to buy ice cream, he just loves ice cream when his car breaks down at the edge of town.  The mechanic says he won’t be able to even look at it for an hour and a half.  “That’s okay! That’ll give me just enough time to go get my ice cream!”   He waddles off into town, and buys 5 vanilla ice cream cones, finishing the last one just as he gets back to the car, where the mechanic is just coming up from under the hood, shaking his head and saying, “You’ve blown a seal.”  The penguin replies, while wiping his chin, “No, no... It’s vanilla ice cream!”

What's better than roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ!

A man goes into the confessional, “Father, I’m 74 years old, and I just had sex with two 17 year old girls”  The father says, “That’s quite a sin, how long has it been since your last confession?”  He says, “I’ve never been to confession before father, I’m Jewish”   The priest says, “So what are you telling me all this for?”  The old guy says, “I’m telling everybody!”

A lady goes into a convenience store, “I need some batteries”
The guy, motioning with his finger, “Certainly, ma’am, just come this way.”
Mimicking his gesture she says, “If I could come this way, I wouldn’t need any batteries”

Two leprechauns go up to the mother superior at a convent in Ireland...
“Pardon me sister, but have you any nuns here about 2 foot 4 inches tall?”
“We have no nuns here so short as 2 foot four inches tall!”
“Pardon me sister, but in the whole of Ireland are there any nuns about 2 foot 4 inches tall?” 
“I’m quite certain in the whole of Ireland there’s no nuns so short as 2 foot 4 inches tall” 
The one leprechaun turns to the other, “You see my friend, it’s like I’ve been tellin’ ya’ for the last 2 weeks you’ve been screwing a penguin!”

A female body-builder runs into the doctors office, “Doctor! It’s the steroids you’ve been giving me! I’ve got hair growing all over my chest!”
“How far down does it go?”
“All the way down to my balls, that’s another thing I’ve got to talk to you about.”

Did you hear about the man with five penises?
His pants fit him like a glove.

How many Freudians does it take to change a bulb?
Takes two, one to change the bulb, and the other to flip on the penis... ooh... I mean the switch.

A modern day Cinderella, complaining to her Fairy Godmother, “Well all the other girls going to the ball have diaphragms!”  The fairy godmother says, “All right.... <wazzzing>    now you’re wearing a diaphragm, but if you’re not home by midnight, it turns into a pumpkin!”  11:30... no Cinderella.... 11:45 The Fairy Godmother is getting nervous ... 12:00....  1:00...   Finally about  2:30 Cinderella stumbles in. Her hair is a mess, her dress is torn, and she’s got a huge smile on her face.  The Fairy Godmother is pissed, “Cinderella! Where the hell have you been?”  Cinderella, “Oh wow! I met this great guy! His name was Peter Peter....”

A lady tells the pet shop keeper, “I want an animal that can really satisfy me, if you know what I mean”   He says, “I’ve got a frog here that’s been trained to please a woman with it’s  tongue.”   She says, “It’s not possible to train a frog to do such a thing!”   He says, “You don’t  believe me?  Well take it in the back room, take off your clothes, put this frog between your legs... He’ll go right to work.”   She’s fascinated with the idea, so tries it... puts the frog  there... nothing. She calls out,  “He’s not doing anything!”      The shopkeeper bursts into the  room, points at the frog and says, “This is the last time I’m  going to show you this!”

A man goes into the doctor with a bump growing on his forehead. After many tests, the doctor announces, “You’re growing a second penis out of your forehead, and with the way your skull and brain are forming around it we’re not going to be able to operate, or do anything to stop it.”   The man says, “You mean I’m going to wake up every morning, look in the mirror, and see a penis hanging from my forehead?”   The doctor replies, “No, no... That won’t happen... we figured it out, and the balls should be hanging  right over your eyes.”